I don’t know how to feel about Mother’s Day this year. It was supposed to have been Sara’s first Mother’s Day with our son, George. Although I was pregnant on Mother’s Day (and Father’s Day) last year, we didn’t celebrate due to it being so early in the pregnancy and due to everything going on with Sara’s health. Sara was SO looking forward to being a parent. I don’t think I can emphasize that strongly enough. It’s something she’d wanted her whole life. She cried such happy tears when I suggested after our engagement that I could carry a child for us.
Although I know this day would’ve been incredibly painful for Sara, due to George’s death, I still wish that she were here. Sara was a mother whether our son survived or not, and I would’ve done something with her to honor that and to help tend to our broken hearts that ache a little extra on days like Mother’s Day.
I know that I have my own mother and step-mother to celebrate, for which I am grateful, but I’m heartbroken that this Mother’s Day is so backwards & upside down from what it was supposed to have been for Sara, George, and myself. I would’ve found or created a little card that would’ve been to Sara “from George” (maybe with his cute little hand and footprints on it!), and gotten Sara a gift that celebrated her finally being a mother after all those years of trying and dreaming and grieving (when she thought it wasn’t a possibility). I would’ve reminded Sara about all the ways she was an amazing mom even though things with an infant are often challenging and feel difficult.
Should’ve… Would’ve…
Days like this I just get really angry at the universe for everything that has happened.
Maybe Sara and George are together somewhere, and Sara will have her Mother’s Day with George after all. I hope so, but we can’t know for sure, and most days I’m not really sure what I believe anymore. Regardless, they are both supposed to be here, and I will be grieving for them both on this Mother’s Day: my wife who is missing her first mother’s day as a mother, and our son, who is missing his first mother’s day as a child.