A recent writing prompt really did not resonate with me. It’s about the question “how could you leave like that?” – the experience of having that sort of question aimed at our dead loved one(s) as part of our grief, feelings of abandonment, even if we know that our loved one(s) did not choose to die. I know that questions and feelings such as those are a very common and valid part of many other people’s experience, but just not mine.
Sara did not want to die. She and I talked about it – she still had things she wanted to do with her life (including growing old with me), and she was determined to do what she needed to do to fight the cancer. She went to treatment after treatment, countless appointments, had 3 surgeries, numerous scans, radiation, 3 hospital stays of a week or more… Sara did not leave me. She did not abandon me. She did everything in her power to stay with me, and that’s the truth. Her human body failed despite our best efforts, and she died.
I don’t get angry (like really angry) often, but one thing that made me angry was when Sara was going through treatment was when someone she knew left a little “feel good” graphic with text that basically suggested that her soul chose this path, and that that’s why she was facing the challenges she was facing. I was so, so angry that someone could leave such a tone-deaf, insensitive comment. I really don’t care that they “meant well”. The thought of asking Sara why she left me (even as a writing exercise) feels just as offensive as that comment.
And George – we lost him – he slipped out of our lives so abruptly and painfully, but none of us had any say in matter. He certainly didn’t leave us. He was just a tiny little being who was born too, too early due to factors we had no control over. If there is any room for how/why type questions here, they should be aimed at me, not him. But, I choose not to go down that route – even if I could have done something at some point in our timeline that could have resulted in a better outcome for George’s pregnancy, I know we did the best we could with who we were and what we had at the time.
I refuse to be haunted by what-if’s, whether we’re talking about Sara or George. I also refuse to try and make myself feel better about the shitty random uncontrollable nature of life by looking for blame or reasons where there are none to be found.
The one thing that does speak to me in the prompt (the only thing, really) is the idea that we can hold two very different things in our heart at the same time, even if they contradict each other. For me that doesn’t involve questions like “How could you leave me?” – but rather, holding the fact that these two people, Sara and George, gave me both the best and worst experiences of my life. I love them with every bit of who I am, and I wouldn’t give any of that up, even if it meant that my pain would go away.