I was faced with this question when I started my 2020 tax return. Talk about a sucker punch… It felt like a lie, to check the “Yes” button – in the eyes of the law I’m no longer married. But… Read moreNo Longer Married?

I miss having someone to cook for. I’ve been cooking more lately (vs getting take-out/drive-thru), and I’ve made some darn good dishes. Butternut squash soup, a chicken-sausage gnocchi dish, a veggie-filled egg casserole for breakfasts this week, some really simple… Read moreWhen a meal isn’t just a meal

Today is a day where I let my heart dwell with what should have been:BalloonsPresentsZoom birthday gathering in this strange new world. You wouldn’t have really understood,but I imagine you enjoying your first birthday cake. Books – you would have… Read moreTears for the 1st Birthday that should have been

On this second New Year’s Eve since my world was utterly turned upside down, 2 days from the 14 month anniversary of Sara’s death, I sit down to think and make some reflections. I haven’t been writing as much in… Read more2020: My first full year in the “After”

CW: Talk of weight-loss, fitness goals Yesterday I was watching a movie while walking on our treadmill, “Brittany Runs a Marathon” – the movie involves someone working toward the goal of running a marathon while trying to take control of… Read moreUnexpected Rush of Grief

I just don’t think I can do it this year, put up a holiday tree – and I’ve realized it’s more about George, than Sara. This is supposed to be his first holiday season with us. I close my eyes… Read moreGeorge’s First Holiday Season

I haven’t been writing the last few months. Part of me was just… tired of being sad. I fear other people are tired of me being sad. But at the end of the day, whether I write about it or… Read more2020… my 2nd worse year

I haven’t written in almost a month. I’ve hit a point in my grief where I’m starting to feel numb – the grief is still there, and I’m trying to figure out what my new life looks like while making… Read moreHolidays are harder this year

Writing has become my primary tool this past year for processing the deaths of George and Sara. Tonight as we close in on the 1st anniversary of Sara’s death, I feel the need to write, though I sit here at… Read moreHolding Vigil

In a couple of hours it will have been a full year since Sara set foot in our house. A year ago tonight, Sara and I called 911 because she’d gotten so weak that she couldn’t get up from a… Read moreA year since Sara has been home

The ground is becoming littered with crisp leaves – little dried remains of what used to be green and full of life, swaying in the sunshine and generating energy for the tree it belongs to. The nights are cooling down,… Read moreAutumn Stirrings

Grief is so strange, at times.  I’m exhausted,  awake at 1:30am my time after working a long week, but I don’t really want to sleep. I just spent the last 2 hours putting together some new furniture I bought for… Read moreLate Night (very early morning) musings

It is amazinghow fuzzy socks filled with warmmemories can draw blood Today in Denver the weather dropped to below freezing, with snow forecasted all day, after several 90+ degree days. Sara didn’t like to drive in the snow, but enjoyed… Read moreGrief Haiku #1

Death Certificates… All this talk about death certificates in the news as of late is an unexpected source of pain for me – little pin pricks that bring me back to November of last year. Sara’s death certificate was the… Read moreDeath Certificates

4 years ago today we closed on our house. We tried to move in that evening only to find the water had been shut off due to a >$1k water bill unpaid by the prior occupants. Looking at the timeline… Read moreOur Home full of Love

My grief face today. I haven’t been writing lately and I worked too much over the last week, and I feel a breakdown building up.  I’m so exhausted and this only magnifies my grief. Is this my life? No wife,… Read moreToday’s Grief Face

Is there a right way to accompany someone as they die? Is there a wrong way? Well – I’m pretty sure there are some ways that would most certainly be wrong, but I’m not really talking about those egregious type… Read moreQuestions with no answers

I know many of my writings touch on what it feels to interact with the world – people I know, people I don’t know – as a person who is grieving. I write about how people ask how I am… Read more“How are you doing?”

Another cyclegoes by – flurry of activitythenwaitingwaitingI look at the testmy heart bleedslike my body will besoonWere you my one and only, George?3rd time was the charmfor you…I wanta siblingfor youanother childfor me,who will know their storyincludes you.But the tries… Read moreAnother Cycle

Today was hard. I spent about 3-4 hours going through boxes and bags of various stuff that I’d hastily packed up from the office when I had to clear the room out so that the flooring could be redone. Some… Read moreStuff