I can feel my heart softening, opening in anticipation of the 2nd anniversary of George’s delivery, a week from tomorrow… not unlike what my body was doing in a different way just under 2 years ago as it ushered George… Read moreAnticipatory Tender Feelings

Tonight, my (our) quiet house feels so loud. Quiet without Sara here, but still so loud… the air from the air conditioner blowing through the vents;the watery metallic sounds from the dishwasher that takes over two hours to complete a… Read moreSuch a Noisy, Quiet House

I’ve written about hope before. Hope is so much different in my world of after, than it was before. Almost exactly a year ago I wrote this in response to a prompt on hope, and I still feel very similar… Read moreAn Alternative to Hope

I know some of what I am writing here has been covered before, but it feels right to talk about it again now. Sometimes we need to share our stories again and again, let the words spill out of us… Read moreThe Sacred Role of Bearing Witness to Death

The exercise I was working on today from Megan Devine’s grief journal, How To Carry What Can’t Be Fixed, involved reflecting on what I want/don’t want in my grief, and then more specifically what I want right now. My list… Read moreWhat I Need Right Now

This was an exercise from Megan Devine’s How To Carry What Can’t Be Fixed, expressing my refusal to be ok with what happened to us, my refusal to accept it. My immediate thoughts after filling the page with these words:… Read moreAn Excercise in Refusal

I miss my person, Sara. Sara Ann, as my family called her (since my sister is a Sarah). I miss her smile, her laugh. I miss her roundness, her softness. I miss her genuine goodness. I miss how much she… Read moreMissing Sara

In the very first prompt in my new grief journal (Megan Devine’s How to Carry What Can’t Be Fixed), I was asked to reflect on my starting point as I sat there with the new journal. I’m not going to… Read moreStanding in an Empty Field

Two more exercises in this post from Megan Devine’s grief journal, How to Carry What Can’t Be Fixed. I’ve talked before in various blog posts about some of the things I told myself, to make it easier to live with… Read moreGrief Survival Lists & Brain Power Allocation

What IS grief? I mean – we all know that grief arises when we lose something important to us – a person, a dream, a pet, a belonging, our health (and the list could continue), but there is also the… Read moreThe Composition of Grief

Our home is my blanket fort. I loved our home before Sara died, and I still love it. It is the perfect blend of her and I. I’ve made some changes since she died, but I know she would approve…. Read moreOur Home is my Blanket Fort

It’s been awhile since I’ve written. Today is 653 days since George’s delivery – about 2.5 months away from the 2-year mark, and 572 days since Sara died – almost 19 months. It’s been harder to write the further I… Read moreNeutrality in the Absence of Optimism

Clean area rug,large ocean blue; arranging –Hard to do alone Friday Eve, at last – glad; though my drinking solo,not likely very smart… Working on new life,peace; but shhh – sometimes wakingdaily is the worst

I notice the *Crinkle* *Crinkle* when I sit on the paper-covered exam table in the doctor’s office, with a regular chair next to it. The last time I went through these types of tests, Sara was with me. Blood work,… Read morePlan C

I came across this article on a news site today: I didn’t read it, but just that blurb made me think. Compromising is one of those things I never really thought much about before. Sara and I never fought (not… Read moreCompromise

A crib in its box,18 months since it arrived –You never came home Warm family cuddle,Snoozing dogs – but we’re missingYou, our hearts broken Your beaming smile,warm like a hug – on a boxFilled with your ashes Shock at a… Read moreMore Grief Haikus

I haven’t written in about a month. Today marks 16 months since Sara’s passing. I kind of feel like marking the time since someone’s death is similar to marking the age of a baby/toddler – at some point you have… Read more16 months – missing her touch

Throughout our courtship and marriage, Sara always made it a point to remind me how much she loved my butt. It was partly a reference to her favorite tv show Bob’s Burgers, where one of the characters is a butt-obsessed… Read moreFor the love of butt

I was faced with this question when I started my 2020 tax return. Talk about a sucker punch… It felt like a lie, to check the “Yes” button – in the eyes of the law I’m no longer married. But… Read moreNo Longer Married?