2019 Sucked: My Thoughts on Loss, Grief, and Life After
On this second New Year’s Eve since my world was utterly turned upside down, 2 days from the 14 month anniversary of Sara’s death, I sit down to think and make some reflections. I haven’t been writing as much in… Read more2020: My first full year in the “After”
CW: Talk of weight-loss, fitness goals Yesterday I was watching a movie while walking on our treadmill, “Brittany Runs a Marathon” – the movie involves someone working toward the goal of running a marathon while trying to take control of… Read moreUnexpected Rush of Grief
I just don’t think I can do it this year, put up a holiday tree – and I’ve realized it’s more about George, than Sara. This is supposed to be his first holiday season with us. I close my eyes… Read moreGeorge’s First Holiday Season
I haven’t been writing the last few months. Part of me was just… tired of being sad. I fear other people are tired of me being sad. But at the end of the day, whether I write about it or… Read more2020… my 2nd worse year
I haven’t written in almost a month. I’ve hit a point in my grief where I’m starting to feel numb – the grief is still there, and I’m trying to figure out what my new life looks like while making… Read moreHolidays are harder this year
Writing has become my primary tool this past year for processing the deaths of George and Sara. Tonight as we close in on the 1st anniversary of Sara’s death, I feel the need to write, though I sit here at… Read moreHolding Vigil
Sara, you were my compass. Our love was my north star. You were everything I’d wanted in a life partner and filling our life with love was my goal. Now that you’re gone, my compass needs to be recalibrated and… Read moreRecalibration
In a couple of hours it will have been a full year since Sara set foot in our house. A year ago tonight, Sara and I called 911 because she’d gotten so weak that she couldn’t get up from a… Read moreA year since Sara has been home
The ground is becoming littered with crisp leaves – little dried remains of what used to be green and full of life, swaying in the sunshine and generating energy for the tree it belongs to. The nights are cooling down,… Read moreAutumn Stirrings
Grief is so strange, at times. I’m exhausted, awake at 1:30am my time after working a long week, but I don’t really want to sleep. I just spent the last 2 hours putting together some new furniture I bought for… Read moreLate Night (very early morning) musings
I lay in our bedyour memory hovering above me like a fogit seems silly – a king size bedwithout youthe dogs are glued to my sideleaving your half of the bed free Your pink terrycloth robehangs on the back of… Read moreFutility
We just passed the fall equinox, about a week ago. One of two times a year in which the day and night are equal. It’s a time to focus on balance within our lives. The challenge for me is that… Read moreAn Excess of Grief During this Time of Balance
On the day the world endsthe sky is bright bluewith a sharp chill in the airand little songbirds hopping around the window ledge One the day the world endsI wear my pajama pants and sweatshirtwith red, tired eyeshair sticking up… Read moreOn the day the world ends
I mentioned in my last post that I don’t particularly want to focus on being grateful right now… I felt compelled to write a post specifically about that, because not a day goes by when I don’t see something on… Read moreGratitude
Some of us make our own light… despite the harsh electric lights around us, or the hot light of the sun, or the white light of the moon, we are always in darkness. The heavy cloak of grief that I… Read moreA different kind of light
It is amazinghow fuzzy socks filled with warmmemories can draw blood Today in Denver the weather dropped to below freezing, with snow forecasted all day, after several 90+ degree days. Sara didn’t like to drive in the snow, but enjoyed… Read moreGrief Haiku #1
Death Certificates… All this talk about death certificates in the news as of late is an unexpected source of pain for me – little pin pricks that bring me back to November of last year. Sara’s death certificate was the… Read moreDeath Certificates
I’ve never been a particularly sentimental person. I have a few mementos from my youth and my college experience, but not many. I’ve been more of an “in the moment” or “thinking about the future” type person. But these days,… Read moreCalling myself back
4 years ago today we closed on our house. We tried to move in that evening only to find the water had been shut off due to a >$1k water bill unpaid by the prior occupants. Looking at the timeline… Read moreOur Home full of Love
My grief face today. I haven’t been writing lately and I worked too much over the last week, and I feel a breakdown building up. I’m so exhausted and this only magnifies my grief. Is this my life? No wife,… Read moreToday’s Grief Face