Thoughts On A Life Upended

It’s been over 15 months since I’ve written anything for this site. Life has just been…. so much. Working full time, being the solo parent to my wonderful now-28 month old, riding the waves of life’s highs and lows as… Read moreThe 5th Cycle

It’s still surreal that I have a one year old. The past year has gone so fast, and so slow, and everything in between. His first birthday wasn’t as griefy as I thought it might be; I was expecting it… Read moreOf Sleep Schedules and Baby Bottles

“I wish I could meet the parent I would’ve been, if my baby didn’t die.” This was a statement that came across my screen on an Instagram post as I sat scrolling through this evening. I found my mind returning… Read moreThe Parent I Would’ve Been?

Up-up-up – that was the command you had to use to get Shifu to jump up onto or go up anything – the couch, the bed, the stairs. If you only said one “up” it didn’t work. Sara had conditioned… Read moreThe Best-est not-so-little little-dog

Fall has traditionally been my favorite season – I LOVE the crispness of fall mornings that turn into warm afternoons, being able to wear hoodies with shorts without being hot or cold, the colors in the plants, the break from… Read moreAutumn Introspection

Tonight as I was rocking Theodore to sleep and singing songs, I felt grief move in and settle around me. It’s been a good day – we didn’t do too much because I needed a rest after getting some vaccines… Read moreWeekends are Special Again

George, Three years. Three years, my sweet boy. That’s how long it will have been this coming Saturday since you died and were born after growing inside me for almost 20 weeks. It still trips me up sometimes, pondering how… Read moreGeorge’s 3rd Birthday

I’ve been dealing with some health stuff with our remaining pup, Shifu. I’ve shared the details with a few people, but not a ton. I didn’t want to share it widely because it felt like another plot point in my… Read moreCancer of the Canine Variety

I realized this morning that I was unconsciously looking at the whites of my baby’s eyes to make sure they weren’t turning yellow. It was a flashback to when Sara was in the hospital the last time and I was… Read moreYellow Eyes

She should be here.SheShouldBeHereSheshouldbehereSHE SHOULD BE HERE. I found myself crying on and off this afternoon. Some of the tears were happy tears, love for my 3-week-old son who was cradled in my arms. But most of the tears were… Read moreShe should be here

Dear George, I felt moved to write you another letter tonight. I’m getting very close to meeting your little sibling face to face. I feel them move around inside me every day and we’re regularly checking in with my medical… Read moreA letter to a soon to be big brother

As I’m closing in on 33 weeks in my pregnancy with George’s sibling, things have been starting to feel hard again. The breath that I was able to let out a bit when I made it to the end of… Read moreMaking Room For All My Parts

This photo came up in my Facebook memories today – one of dozens of wedding photos Sara shared 5 years ago with our families and friends. It stood out to me; I really like this picture of me… and I… Read moreMissing Me

I’m 23 weeks pregnant, and feeling the little one move around quite regularly. We’re almost a month further than we made it with George. The concerns we had a month and a half ago around my cervix have gone away,… Read moreSneaky Ongoing Grief

The little one growing within me is now older than their older brother. Obviously I knew this day was coming and I wanted to reach it, because it means George’s sibling is staying tucked inside of me safe and sound… Read moreLife Out Of Order

This next week is going to be incredibly difficult. Next Thursday, the little one growing inside me will officially become older than their older brother. Coming up on the point in the pregnancy when I went into labor with George… Read moreHeading into Week 19

I’m 16 weeks and 2 days along today. Although I’ve been nervous for most of the pregnancy, a new type of nervousness is settling in as we get closer to 20 weeks. George didn’t make it to 20. No one… Read more16 weeks

Recently I went away to the mountains for a few nights – this was my first overnight trip away from the house since Sara died. I knew I needed to give myself space to grieve for the 2nd anniversary of… Read moreMissing my adventure partner

My dearest Sara, It has somehow been 727 days since you took your last breath. In 3 days and about 6 hours, it will have been 2 years exactly. I actually miss the early days of grief, when it felt… Read moreMy 2 year letter to Sara

My Dearest George, Happy Birthday, my beautiful boy! Two years ago at this exact time I was in the final stretch of labor with you. Unbeknownst to me, my labor had actually started much earlier in the day before with… Read moreHappy 2nd Birthday, George