Thoughts On A Life Upended

George,

Three years. Three years, my sweet boy. That’s how long it will have been this coming Saturday since you died and were born after growing inside me for almost 20 weeks. It still trips me up sometimes, pondering how best to succinctly describe that day. It’s your birthday, but you died and then you were born. “Birthday” works, but it also feels so inadequate.

This was a big year for you – you became a big brother. Theodore is such a happy, easy going baby – I can’t help but wonder if you would have been, too. I know if you were here you would be a sweet big brother, even if you did get jealous at times having lost the status of being the only kiddo in the house. Transitions are hard on all of us and certainly would have been for a 2.5 year old who is still learning and growing so much. Theodore sleeps in the crib we bought for you, and he’s worn the onesie that was the first item we bought specifically for you.

Your fingers were so beautiful – all formed and ready to go, just so small. As I watch your brother learn to open and use his hands at three months old, it’s made me think about yours. Your noses are the same – they must come from my genes, because they really do look like the same nose; Theo’s is just bigger than yours was.

I remember you were longer than I expected. You were about 9 inches long, and full term babies are usually a little over double that. I know you were on track in terms of growth, but it felt so strange for your length to be about half of what your final length was supposed to be, while your weight was less than a tenth of what it should’ve ended up at.

Even though my labor with you went quickly, Theodore’s was even faster. I can’t help but see a little sibling rivalry in that and it makes me smile. You were born about 4 hours after my water broke, and he was born a little more than 2 hours after. I wish there were more experiences that you and Theodore could have in common.

I’ve told Theodore all about you, and I’ll keep doing so. Your picture is framed on the side table to my left right now. I’ve shown it to Theodore, and he’s gazed at it with those young, young eyes of his.

I made sure to include you in our family photo that was sent with Theodore to daycare – your George bunny with your birth stats embroidered on the tummy was on one side of my lap, with Theodore on the other. I noted on the back of the photo that you are George’s big brother, stillborn in Aug 2019 – I didn’t want them to see the stuffed animal and think it was just a prop.

When people ask if Theodore is my first or how many kids I have, I try hard to make sure my response includes you. Every once in awhile, though, I don’t have the presence of mind to be vulnerable. One day I was waiting in the lobby at Theodore’s soon-to-be daycare waiting for someone to meet with me for orientation. An employee of the school stopped and cooed over your brother and asked if he was my only child. I was thinking about my pending meeting that was a few minutes overdue, in a new environment that I was anxious about, so I just nodded and said “yes”. A little piece of my heart hurt as the word slipped out of my mouth. Please know that I love you, even though I occasionally don’t acknowledge you to strangers who ask about our family. Usually when people ask if Theodore is my first/only child, I simply tell them that his older brother was stillborn. People don’t often ask follow up question, though I wouldn’t mind if they did. I like getting the chance to talk about you.

On your birthday, I’m taking Theo to visit the Butterfly Pavilion – a magical place here that’s full of all sorts of butterflies and other insects. I like to think you would enjoy it as a birthday destination were you here with us. Would you be fascinated in insects? Or bothered by them? I wish I’d gotten the chance to know these things about you. I will be asking myself these sorts of questions for the rest of my life, as I move through the different milestones that you will be missing out on.

I love you, and I wish you were here alive with us. Know that my heart is holding you extra closely as we celebrate your 3rd birthday.

Love,
Your Dad