I realized this morning that I was unconsciously looking at the whites of my baby’s eyes to make sure they weren’t turning yellow. It was a flashback to when Sara was in the hospital the last time and I was the one to bring it to everyone’s attention that her eyes were yellowish. That led to the discovery of the metastasis in her liver and to her death, a few days later.
The thought of anything happening to Theodore or to me (since I’m his only parent) is terrifying and the knowledge that there so little we really have control over doesn’t help. I am comfortable sitting with my grief but have not worked as much with the underlying trauma of being Sara’s caretaker during her cancer treatment and death. That moment today was a heartbreaking reminder that I’m still impacted by it in ways I’m still uncovering.