Dear George,
I felt moved to write you another letter tonight. I’m getting very close to meeting your little sibling face to face. I feel them move around inside me every day and we’re regularly checking in with my medical team to make sure things seem to be going ok. Although so much of the focus is on your little sibling right now, there’s such a big piece of my heart that is holding you extra close.
The last 4 months have been a bit challenging, trying to hold joyful celebration of milestones for your sibling while balancing grief over not having had those experiences with you. I can so clearly imagine a world where Sara is still here and you are here as a rambunctious 2 year old and we are preparing together to welcome your sibling. My heart aches that our story diverged from that universe.
I will be holding space for you even as I labor to birth your sibling into this world. Your George bunny will be there, and I look forward to introducing the two of them. I promise baby boy, my first-born, that a part of my heart will always belong to you. I can’t wait to tell your little sibling all about how much I love both of you.
Love, Your Dad
Feeling extra fried right now makes so much sense. I spent an hour crying yesterday about my dad missing Ellie’s first birthday/missing Ellie being a cute baby. Anything big or exciting should be great but is also just a reminder of who isn’t here and how we wish things were. Anyway. You know all that. Just sending love and empathy.
I think that grief always has some sort of trigger…and with the new baby almost here (showing their face to this world soon – I can’t wait!)…there must be so many what ifs, and should’ve beens. I also am a believer of being surrounded by the spirit of my loved ones who have transitioned to another phase of life – stuff I will never understand, but which gives me great peace and comfort. I know personally what it is like to have to do the big things in life so alone of the ones I love the most because they are no longer here on earth – and it is HARD to find that pure joy I think I “should’ experience if that makes sense. Maybe that is some of what you are going through? I hope you find some encouragement knowing that you are loved through all of this by people, like me even who you have never met. We can’t fix it, but we can help carry you a bit when you need it. A new baby will soon be here…a family addition that will wrap love all around you.
I’m really happy to see that you have a little one to hold.