The little one growing within me is now older than their older brother. Obviously I knew this day was coming and I wanted to reach it, because it means George’s sibling is staying tucked inside of me safe and sound while they continue growing, hopefully until they are ready to join me as a living newborn.
Even though I knew this day was coming, it’s still hard. Sibling relationships, as old as human existence, so deeply involve birth order and relative ages. Because we lost George so young, his younger sibling will never be aware of a time when they aren’t older than George was when he died. George can’t fulfill that older brother role of advising on life experience with this new little one, beyond this point. He has done an excellent job so far, his life experience informing my pregnancy with his sibling, but now we’ve ventured into the unknown.
Life feels out of order. Parents aren’t supposed to bury/cremate their children, and younger siblings are always supposed to be younger than older siblings.
Today I’m reflecting on the relationship I want to foster between the child growing inside of me and George. It may not be a traditional sibling relationship, but it will exist. I will make sure George is known and loved and included. I will encourage the people in our lives to do the same. I don’t have all the answers and I’m sure some days efforts will feel like they fall flat, but if I keep my love for these two little beings as the foundation, I feel like I’ve got a solid starting point.
Today I’m feeling a little extra tender and I will be focused on allowing my love and grief to mingle and settle in as we hit this new stage of pregnancy where the experiences of my two babies no longer run parallel.
