This next week is going to be incredibly difficult. Next Thursday, the little one growing inside me will officially become older than their older brother. Coming up on the point in the pregnancy when I went into labor with George is bringing up so many emotions.
To make things more challenging, my ultrasound check this past Monday revealed signs that my cervix seems to be starting to shorten. Given my history of preterm labor, this is concerning enough that they’re having me come back in after 1 week instead of 2 to check again. My appointment next week is on the exact day in the pregnancy that I went into labor with George, 19W 4D.
- Best case scenario: the next two checks over the next two weeks look good, and we continue on, with a check in week 22 (already scheduled) and perhaps with extra checks scheduled for weeks 21 and/or 23. Pregnancy progresses & baby stays inside safe & sound.
- More scary scenario: things get worse, which will require a surgical procedure (a cerclage, if anyone is curious) to try and reinforce my cervix & prevent me from going into labor again. This procedure does come with risks, but is generally very effective at allowing a pregnant person to progress to full term or near full term, to give the baby lots more time to keep growing.
- Worst case scenario: I go into preterm labor again, the outcome of which will depend on how early it’s caught and what week I’m at in the pregnancy. The above-mentioned surgical intervention is only done prior to 24 weeks, so if we don’t do the procedure because things look okay but then it gets worse after that 24 week point, I will have fewer options.
I’m anxious that something is going to happen before my next check, given how it seemed to happen out of the blue last time, but am trying to stay hopeful that things are going okay. In therapy today we did a grounding exercise that felt really helpful, so I’ll be trying to remember to do some grounding every day between now and my next ob appointment, to manage my anxious energy. It felt nice for my therapist today to acknowledge how very valid my free-floating anxiety is right now – there are very real reasons for it, and so much is uncertain right now. We talked about some other ways besides grounding that I can get through the next 5 days, including reminding myself that this pregnancy is a different pregnancy than my last pregnancy, even if it feels very similar. It’s not always easy to remember these things when I’m worried about what’s going on inside of me.
Pregnancy is hard. Pregnancy after loss is a different kind of hard. I’m trying to be extra gentle with myself. This is not the time to be self-critical or be focused on goals – I’m in survival mode and just taking things a little at a time.