Thoughts On A Life Upended

My Dearest George,

Happy Birthday, my beautiful boy! Two years ago at this exact time I was in the final stretch of labor with you. Unbeknownst to me, my labor had actually started much earlier in the day before with contractions, but I hadn’t realized that’s what they were… we were only halfway through your pregnancy after all. A friend had been visiting with us at the house in the evening of August 12th after work, and it was after that visit ended that I decided to call the nurse line because I was still having cramping that I’d noticed earlier in the day. They advised me to go in to the hospital, so I did.

Our joy at getting another chance to see you appearing strong and healthy on an ultrasound was quickly swallowed by our fear when we learned I was in labor & partially dilated. Once your (my) water broke at 11:30-11:45pm on the 12th, given that you were only 19.5 weeks along, we knew the chances that we could save you had dropped to just about 0. (And it wasn’t just like a little water leaked out – it was the full deal!)

The next few hours were spent doing the same things that others who go through labor often do – riding out the contractions while my body got prepared to deliver you. At around 4:11 on August 13th, 2019 you quite suddenly slipped into this world. Because you were so small, I didn’t have to be fully dilated and did very little pushing.

I have to admit that up until very recently, I couldn’t call it your birth. I associate the word with the outcome of ending up with a living child. But… no matter how much sadness and grief we felt at holding your small, dead body in our arms (though bigger than expected!!), there was so, so much love and wonder and some joy at finally getting to meet you after growing you for 19.5 weeks. That was when we learned you were George – up until that point we were waiting to name you until we met you and learned your sex, which we didn’t want to know in advance of your birth.

Although you were born still, you were born and we held you. You are our son, our parents’ grandson, our siblings’ nephew. You were beautiful and although I wish with ever fiber of my being that August 13th was NOT your birthday, but a date closer to your January 3rd, 2020 due date, you are still so loved. You made us parents. I’m sad that I never got to see you alive outside of my womb and I can’t fully separate my grief for that from this day, but I want to honor your short time with us, which left such an impact!

At the moment, I’m writing this letter in bed as Shifu snoozes next to me and Ember watches me write. We lost Elvis the beagle a month ago. These are the pets Sara and I imagined you growing up with, at least for a little while, and their presence brings me comfort now.

I’m going to get some more sleep before waking back up in a little while to spend the day remembering you. While you are always in my heart, know that I’m holding you particularly close today.

Happy 2nd birthday my dear George Daniel. I love you always.

Love,
Dad