My dearest George,
Somehow I’ve made it past the 2nd father’s day without you and your mom (it was yesterday). Honestly, I didn’t sit too much with thoughts of you and I on Father’s day. Father’s day as a father of a stillborn baby who doesn’t have any other living children is difficult, and strange. I feel like there’s no place for fathers like me in the “normal” world. I found reasons to stay busy – seeing your Grandma Sue and Grandpa Dan, doing some things around the house, having dinner with friends… When I really sit with my thoughts and my feelings about you and I, the tears (of both sadness and anger) come so easily.
You should be almost 18 months old by now, had you been born around your due date. You would be walking and probably saying a handful of words. They say you might be able to point to a specific body part by now – maybe it would have been your cute little nose that you learned first. I still wonder what color your eyes were – I didn’t get the chance to see them open. You were such a beautiful baby, though. So tiny, but so perfect.
I wish more than almost anything that others could have met you. Maybe it would have helped make you more real, more tangible to everyone else. Sometimes it feels so heavy, being the only person left alive (besides the hospital staff) who actually met you in person. Even though you were no longer alive by the time you were in our arms, you were still here – you existed, and we love you so incredibly much. I miss having your mother here to remember you with, but I will gladly say your name every day if that’s what it takes to make sure that people know you mattered.
I had expected that your sibling would either be here or well on their way by now, but that’s taking longer than I’d hoped. Part of me wants to look at it as a good sign that I started my IVF injections on Father’s Day, but I’m also afraid to truly get my hopes up. I will be taking the next few months just a little at a time. I promise you that once your sibling has joined the family, they will know who you are and that you are part of the family, even though your time here was brief. It’s hard to believe that in less than two months, it will be the 2nd anniversary of your delivery, the heartbreaking day when you made your entrance into this world just too soon.
So, on this 2nd father’s day since you entered and left this world, I guess I just want to say I love you, you mattered, and I’m still so glad that you made me a father.
Love,
Your Dad
