It’s so common for us to be our own worst critic. When Sara was alive, she was a great counterweight to my internal critic. Should would always remind me how much I’m taking care of and why she loves me, when sometimes all I can see is all the stuff I feel like I should be doing that I’m not (or not doing well).
After living alone for almost a year and half (HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?), I’ve definitely hit a point where my internal critic has a bit too much weight these days. So much upkeep required of a house, between the house itself and the yard, and there’s a lot I’m just not bothering with – it’s hard, doing it alone. I’ve been falling back on old behavior patterns relating to my self-care (eating, sleeping, etc.), most of which don’t support the vision I have when I think about what sort of life I want to be living. I have trouble focusing; my brain likes to skip around from topic to topic in rapid succession, which makes it difficult to get tasks accomplished. (I just realized I forgot to finish watching the last 30 minutes of a movie I paused last night to go run an errand…) I’ve spent so much time beating myself up for all of these.
When I think about kindness to myself, and what sort of kindness I really need – it’s the kindness of muting (or at least turning down) the voice of that self critic. Even if I hadn’t just gotten through my first full year of widowerhood, WE’VE BEEN LIVING IN A PANDEMIC. Life is stressful. Life is strange. Nothing is normal. Not only is my personal normal gone, but pretty much all normal is gone! There’s so much that I am doing:
- I’ve adapted to working full time from home, which gets pretty lonely being here by myself. I’ve got people that I have been trying to sort of keep up with so that I don’t feel completely socially isolated. I’ve accomplished a few specific things at work over the last year that I’m excited about and proud of.
- I take good care of the dogs (even if I do occasionally lose my patience and get short with them). They really do take up a lot of my emotional/mental energy, as well as time – both are older dogs, each with their own “stuff” going on.
- I don’t let the house get too horribly unkempt – it’s generally in such a state that I could spend an hour or two tidying and would be comfortable having someone come over, not that that’s been happening. (Note – comfortable having someone come over does not equal “eat off the floor clean” in my household…)
- I had someone over to clean the rain gutters out (they were so full of muck that they were growing weeds…), and I’ve kept up with the snow shoveling on the storms that required it.
- Last summer I got the flooring on the main level replaced and I painted my bedroom.
- I am generally good about keeping up with the medicine and vitamins/supplements I take.
- I’ve been working to conceive, which takes up a lot of mental and emotional space.
I’m not a horrible human. I need to be kind to myself by shushing my inner critic when it starts to pipe up, and remember that most of us are just doing the best we can, and that’s okay. Perfection is not the goal for my life.