Some people advocate that that it’s our mission to uncover who we are at our core – that there’s some unchanging absolute self buried beneath all the layers of life. I guess I just don’t really see it that way. Hopefully we all have core values that always help to inform our identities, but humans aren’t meant to exist as solitary, isolated beings. A considerable part of who we are is informed by those who we spend the most time with, by our experiences and our interaction with the world around us – at both a macro and a micro level. For many people, the people closest to us influence our hobbies, what media we consume, what we eat, our vocabulary, and even what it means to live our values in the world.
When something major happens – positive or negative, it can reshape our identities. I am not the person I used to be.
I used to spend a large portion of my non-working/non-commuting time with one person, Sara. Sara and I discovered new shows together, new interests; she introduced me to true crime podcasts. I got her re-interested in tarot. We put together our house as a team – we made decisions together. My life wasn’t just about me, so my identity wasn’t only about me, but about who I was with her. I was preparing to expand my identity, to widen that circle of influence to include the little baby that was developing inside me. I can imagine Sara and I as parents to George – all the love and time and sweat and tears and joy that would’ve gone into our relationship with him – as individuals and a couple, and into our efforts to give him the perspective and the skills that he would’ve needed to be a kind, loving presence in the world who could make the world a better place in whatever way he felt most called to. Then, 19 months ago George was gone, and 16 and a half months ago, Sara was too.
My life doesn’t look all that different now than it did when Sara was here (ignoring the changes due to the pandemic), but I’m not the person I used to be. It is literally impossible for me to be the same person, with Sara gone. I miss her influence on my life so much. And even though I continue on with much of the same day to day activities that took up my time when she was here, it’s still not the same. Gradually over time, my life is going to diverge more and more than the path it would have taken, had George still been here, or had Sara still been here (or both!). Who I am will continue to evolve and shift as my life goes on, and since she’s no longer here, that evolution will be different than it would have otherwise been.
Sara’s influence will never be completely gone from my life. She will always be a part of me. There are people in my life today who I wouldn’t know if it weren’t for her (many people, actually), and if I ever find another partner, they’d better be okay with mermaid and seahorse decor! I’m hoping to still become the parent of a living child, and some of what Sara and I talked about in preparation for George will undoubtedly shape who I am as that parent. But – I’m still not going to be the same me that I would have been had she not died, and that’s still a tough truth to accept some days.
I miss Sara, and I miss who I was with Sara. I miss us.