There was a spark when we first met –
the luminous merging of my life
To your existence.
Both our our lives were inescapably
changed – transformed,
by love, by curiosity,
by connection and hope,
by sorrow and fear,
and by companionship.
My molecules and yours danced.
The fabric of my universe tore
when you died.
It is jagged and irreparable,
I do believe that somehow our molecules
still dance – some of yours are now
sitting in an urn on our living room side table,
but others made their way into the air –
a sort of freedom.
Maybe they still visit me,
whether from the urn or from the air.
Our lives were inextricably entwined –
how am I supposed to recover
from your premature departure?
Even after 449 days
your absence is haunting.
My heart hurts, my very being hurts.
There is no lens by which I can view
this world without you
as okay.
The luminous merging of my life
To your existence,
such a gift,
so cruelly revoked
without any way to object.
If only there was a way to object –
I would fill out a million forms
and jump through
ALL the hoops,
if only I could object to your death –
formally register the hurt and pain,
and plead for review of our case,
and a chance to hold you again.