CW: Talk of weight-loss, fitness goals
Yesterday I was watching a movie while walking on our treadmill, “Brittany Runs a Marathon” – the movie involves someone working toward the goal of running a marathon while trying to take control of her life.* I’ve embarked on a bit of a crash-course in eating better, being more active, and losing weight over the last month. I’ve been uncomfortable at my weight for awhile but I realized that I was very unlikely to be able to start IVF until I got my BMI under a certain level with the clinic options I have to choose from. About 10 years back I’d lost quite a bit of weight and felt really fantastic, but that slowly crept back on & more.
Right now, I’m really just focused on losing enough weight so that my weight won’t be an issue for IVF – I think it’s shitty that most clinics have so much gatekeeping rather than a more holistic model where patients & doctors work together to understand any risks extra weight brings to the IVF process and decide what is the best choice for them as an individual. I’m also frustrated that I only have 3 local clinics to choose from if I want my IVF to be covered by insurance ( a HUGE benefit), which doesn’t include the clinic we have been working with for 2 years now, where my weight was never even brought up. All that said, it is what it is, and I am willing to jump through hoops to have another kid.
What does this have to do with my grief? Well, watching the movie yesterday as the character was finally running the marathon she’d been working so long to get ready for, I was hit full force by this sudden rush of grief that was incredibly strong and unexpected. I found myself walking on the treadmill, sobbing as the character started running her marathon. It took me a few minutes to work through what I was feeling, and I realized that I miss having my person here who was always supportive and encouraging of my personal goals. I ended up crying for around 10 minutes.
Sara would’ve been my biggest cheerleader. I can see Sara joining me occasionally on a walk around the neighborhood with the dogs on nicer days, and delighting at finding fun new recipes to try. I can also see us occasionally haggling on how much butter/oil is used in a recipe – I tend to have a lighter hand, Sara a heavier. We would’ve had so much fun working on making the choices that were right for us together, and eating delicious food while doing so.
No matter how “together” my life seems or how successful I may or may not be at losing weight, or at having another kid, there is always going to be something missing because of Sara and George’s absences. When we lose someone we love, we feel their loss not just when they die, but also at all those points (little or big) in the future where their presence in our life would have been felt. I felt that so hard yesterday.
* Important Note: I believe people can be healthy at any size, and that storylines involving weight loss equaling a resolution of all of someone’s problems are incredibly problematic and fatphobic. Storylines showing the fat friend whose life is a mess are tired and also problematic. To the movie’s credit, it does try to address the idea that losing weight doesn’t magically solve all of the main character’s problems. I knew the movie would have issues, but I just needed to watch something and this came up, and as someone trying to lose some weight who is interested in getting back into running, it appealed to me.