We just passed the fall equinox, about a week ago. One of two times a year in which the day and night are equal. It’s a time to focus on balance within our lives. The challenge for me is that I don’t know what balance looks like in my life of After. How do I find balance when so much of my life is colored by grief? Sara used to help balance me. I worked, and when I wasn’t working, I had the life Sara and I had created together. Sprinkled in there were visits with friends, but Sara really was my anchor.
I watch the leaves changing color, one at a time releasing their grip on the branch from which they sprung. I feel from the autumn a deep, deep sadness, the shifting from light to dark. I see the migratory birds flying overhead in their V shaped formations, heading for some destination written into their DNA. I almost feel as if I were one of those birds but without the ability to fulfill that primal need – Sara was my homing beacon but I can no longer be with her in this life.
I actually feel some relief heading into autumn because with the cooler weather, the dying greenery, the shifting to the dark – the external world more reflects my internal state. I do not feel balance, though. I have found myself with this excess of grief.
I have to have faith that if I keep giving voice to my grief, if I keep sharing with you all, then eventually my grief will shift such that we can coexist with a little more balance. It is still early, though. I am not yet a full turn around the sun in this life of After, and even then I’ve heard the 2nd year is often harder than the first in processing this type of grief.
I welcome the autumn, I honor the transitioning of the seasons, and I try to honor my truth: right now in the shadow of grief balance looks different for me, and that’s ok.