I mentioned in my last post that I don’t particularly want to focus on being grateful right now… I felt compelled to write a post specifically about that, because not a day goes by when I don’t see something on social media reminding us all to be grateful for what we have, and suggesting that gratitude is the answer to all of life’s ills. So many people suggest that making a daily list of what we’re grateful for will magically transform our life into one of contentment, if we only have the discipline to prioritize gratitude. I absolutely believe that gratitude is an important character trait to develop, and that people without gratitude tend to be no-so-fun to be around. I also believe that it’s critical to recognize that over-emphasis of gratitude is actually harmful and contributes to the culture of toxic positivity that is spewed by so many. In this post I’m going to focus on gratitude in response to grief after a death because that is my experience, but really these same words could be applied to gratitude in response to all sorts of other traumas or injustices.
Sometimes life really hurts. When someone who is grieving expresses their pain only to be told in response that they should be grateful for <insert something here> or that they should focus on their blessings, what we hear is that our pain needs to be silenced. It tells us that it is more important to make other people comfortable by focusing on our gratitude even at the expense of our own mental health and well-being. It tells us that our unhappiness comes from within and that we are responsible for our pain because we’re not grateful enough. Frankly, responding to someone’s expression of grief by telling them to be grateful is a form of gaslighting.
I AM grateful. I am grateful that I work for a company that makes me feel supported and seen as a human being. I am grateful that I have many friends and family that love me. I am grateful that I am financially stable during a time when many people aren’t. I’m grateful that I have 3 loving pets who like to cuddle and provide some companionship. I am grateful for many other things… But being grateful does nothing to ease the pain of my grief. Pain needs to be acknowledged – it’s why many children’s scraped knees magically feel better when kissed by a parent – once their pain was acknowledged, they could move on.
I am fortunate – I can count on one (maybe two) hands the number of particularly insensitive or tone-deaf comments I’ve received in my grief, but I hear stories from other grievers that make me cry. Parents who have lost children who are told they should be grateful they have other living children, or that they’re still young enough that they can have more. People told to stop being sad because they should be grateful for all the time they got with their person who died. Such responses to grief are so dismissive and hurtful.
Figuring out how to keep living after the death of a loved one is such hard work. Gratitude can enrich our lives, but each griever has to figure out what feels helpful in their individual grief and what just makes things worse. If a griever does want to incorporate a specific gratitude practice into their life, they should be the one to decide that, and to decide what it looks like to have a healthy gratitude practice that makes room for their grief.
A few links that feel appropriate: