Hope
Hope is a funny thing
When at one point
It was ripped from my soul
Against my will
I wanted to hold on
So desperately
But life pried it from my grasp
Tore it out of me
Time continues
Hours, Days, Weeks
Not yet a year, but soon
Hope
My body was attuned to you
Before
But after?
I feel the network in my body
Hope used to buoy me
But it is raw and painful
Over-stimulated
The connections and channels
Still reminding me
That my hope was stolen
Violently
Hope
I’ve had instances in the after
When hope has wanted to return
It seeps and pulses into its network
That winds through my body
But it isn’t the same
I’m damaged, injured
What used to feed resilience
Now feels uncomfortable
It feels wrong
My relationship with hope
Has become adversarial
As my body & soul try to heal
The new hope stings
Part of me wonders
If I would be better without
Hope
Is scary, now
I wish it weren’t
I miss its comfort
I wish I had a magic balm
To soothe the nerves and network
That hold my hope
But I just have to persist
Sit with the discomfort
See how it develops
Maybe one day
Hope will feel okay again