Today was hard. I spent about 3-4 hours going through boxes and bags of various stuff that I’d hastily packed up from the office when I had to clear the room out so that the flooring could be redone. Some of what I went through was mine, some Sara’s, and some ours from when we were together. Going through her/our things is slow and agonizing. Tears were shed probably a dozen times. I’m trying to be reasonable – I know I can’t keep everything that was hers (and I really don’t want to), but it’s so hard to disconnect my love for her from her stuff, now that she’s gone.
Unimportant paperwork/junk mail/etc. that was never dealt with = trash/shred/recycle, filed away a few important documents, some of her fun trinkets were packed away into a tin to be thought about later, her office supplies have been boxed up with mine to move down into the new office space. There’s other things that are harder – her graduation cap (“Accio Degree” written across the top in pink glitter tape – so very Sara) has no practical purpose but I couldn’t bear the thought of getting rid of it. I have a dozen or so picture frames of hers full of pictures of family and friends from long before we met – it feels rude to get rid of them, so they’re tucked away in my closet. There are various other trinkets and items that were meaningful to Sara that I’m going to have to figure out what to do with.
It hurts so much that George isn’t here with me; if he were, then it would make sense to save some of the things I struggle with, the sentimental items that were important to her, to teach him about his mom. But he’s not here, either.
Going through Sara’s things and trying to figure out what to do with them take an incredible amount of energy, and leaves me feeling emotionally vulnerable.
I still have so many things to go through – it feels a bit insurmountable at times as I’ve never been particularly great at household organization to begin with. I have her things in our meditation room, her clothes, her shoes, her makeup room (which has both the makeup/beauty stuff, plus tons of various toys/stuffed animals/dolls most of which have no personal meaning for me), our stuff in the garage that has been sitting out there for almost 4 years since we moved into this house Sept 2016… the list could go on.
I might need to just make it a habit to dedicate a few hours a week to it, or it might never get done. I’m in no hurry to get rid of Sara’s things – there’s actually plenty you couldn’t pay me to part with. That said, I do feel like things will be a little easier when I’m not in this limbo space where parts of the house with her personal things are just like they were before, as if she were going to walk in through the front door any minute. She’s not coming back, as much as I wish she were. I’m hoping it might feel a little less emotionally fraught if I can get into a solid “here’s how I’m going to live long-term in our home without Sara” state.
Sara’s always going to be a part of my world; she is permanently imprinted on my heart and I wouldn’t be who I am today without her. But at the end of the day, most of the “stuff” doesn’t make sense for me to keep, so I just have to work through it a little at a time.
I did come across two cards that she gave me in our office stuff today, which I’m so appreciative of. I’m not a big card saver, and I’ve had trouble finding cards she gave me. These are definitely going in a safe place…
