“All the colors of the world pass through our bodies like strings of fire.”
From Colors passing through us by Marge Piercy
Sara brought so much color to my life – she was my rainbow mermaid! It took her a long time to really feel comfortable letting her colors shine in life, but when she did – oh how magnificent she was. As I go about this strange, impossible life without Sara by my side, I can’t help by connect the colors I see each day to Sara, and my life with her. The colors of the world pass through our bodies like strings of fire – and for me, they carry whispers of Sara.
Today the color is Brown – Brown for the Birkenstock sandals that were her favorite. I was heading out and went to grab my cheap blue sandals that I bought in Fort Lauderdale, but then I put them back and picked up the Birkenstocks instead. Dark brown leather straps with copper buckles, on a light brown base with a dark brown foam-like sole. I’m pretty sure she bought these maybe a year or two before she died; she’d had an older pair that became too worn out, and these were a replacement pair.
Even though they don’t have the markings of years and years of heavy wear, I slip them on and feel my feet settle into her footprints, indentations made into the leather of the base. I close my eyes and picture her feet in them – she always said she had Flintstones feet, inherited from her dad, wide and flat. She had trouble finding good quality shoes that fit her well and felt comfortable, but oh she loved these sandals. For just a moment I wonder if I dig my toes into those spots where her toes used to be, and wish hard enough, maybe she will come back? Like some funny alternative to a genie’s lamp?
I walk in Sara’s sandals, and they feel funny. My feet aren’t the same as her feet – the indentations pushing into my feet in ways that aren’t particularly comfortable. I have to tighten the straps. But I don’t mind; I want to feel her close to me, even with all the discomfort that comes with it. Love and death and grief and life and memories – all a big swirl that you can’t fully separate into its components.
I’ll keep wearing Sara’s Brown sandals. Over time, my foot impressions will appear on top of hers and they will become more comfortable for me, but there will always be a part of the sandals that reflect Sara’s feet, the impression she made in them.
