I’m sorry that you’ve lost a child, or children. This is a club no one should ever have to belong to. It goes against the natural order of the universe; parents are not supposed to outlive their children. I speak from the perspective of one whose son died in the womb and who has no other living children, but I believe so many experiences of child loss are universal, regardless of what age the child was (even if they were an adult child!). I’m not very far in my journey as a bereaved parent. It has been less than a year; just over 9 months. But, I wanted to share a few thoughts that I did have.
First, don’t let anyone tell you how to grieve. We all need to grieve in our own way – whether it’s lots of tears and time in bed, or building a beautiful graveside memorial, or getting tattoos, or directing your feelings towards projects or other distractions, or writing, or talking, or… the options are really unlimited… but please don’t hold back from feeling whatever you need to feel. It will hurt, there will be days where you wonder how you can possibly keep going, but if you don’t allow yourself to feel it’s really only bottling up what will eventually need to come out. If possible, find a person or a few people who you know you can always just say whatever you need to say to – whether a spouse/partner, or a friend, or an online community/group. It really is invaluable to have that.
Most people won’t know what to say, or they’ll say hurtful or insensitive or ignorant things (usually unintentionally), or they may not say anything because they’re afraid of saying the wrong thing. I’m a firm believer that impact is always more important than intention, but I also realized that I just didn’t have the desire or energy to give feedback to people on how they were talking to me about my child’s death. I remember one interaction, in particular, when someone suggested that pregnancy loss like what we experienced “usually happens for a reason” (or something like that). It was so unhelpful, but I knew the person meant well – so I just told them that in our case, there was nothing wrong with our baby. Some people have the ability and the together-ness to give real-time feedback when someone says something hurtful – but it’s okay if you don’t.
People may try to compare other losses to the loss of your child but you know, and I know, that it’s NOT THE SAME. They’re likely just trying to connect with you, and show that they can relate – but if you find their choice of comparison to be hurtful or unhelpful, it’s okay to tell them so. It doesn’t have to be mean – a quick “I understand you’re trying to relate to my loss, but I would really rather not discuss the loss of your dog, Sparky, right now,” will suffice.
It is okay to speak your child’s name, even if it makes others uncomfortable. No matter what age your child died – whether in the womb like my son George, or at birth, or as an infant, or a child, or an adult – it doesn’t matter. They were (and are still) part of your world, and you have every right to speak their name. At the same time, if you get questions about whether you have children or how many children you have, etc. and you need to answer in a way that doesn’t acknowledge your loss in that moment, that is okay. You do not owe anyone anything relating to your loss. Your life, your story, your loss, is yours to share as you want to.
There’s a part of you that will never get over the loss of your child. You may run into people who don’t understand that, who think you will eventually get over your grief. I’m sorry about that, and I really don’t know how to handle that – I’m still in the early-enough stages of what became a series of tragic events that people still have patience for my grief. I guess I would just point back to the bit above about finding a person/people/group/etc. who you can always talk openly to, regardless of how long it has been.
On the flipside, it’s also okay to have times when you’re feeling okay, or you laugh, or you find reasons to appreciate life. If it takes you a long time to get there – that’s okay, and it’s also okay if it doesn’t.
I don’t have all the answers, or really any. There aren’t even answers at all to most of the questions that come up when you go through something like the loss of a child. I just know that you are not alone, and while no one’s loss is the same, there are some of us who understand and can relate to the ache in your heart that will never completely go away.
Sending these words from my broken heart to yours…