In the words of our friend, Joey Tribbiani, “It is a love based on giving and receiving as well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving, we too can share and love and have and receive.”
Yes, silly, but I have to admit it’s what popped up in my head reading one of the writing prompts. (Sara and I watched Friends a lot…) This prompt revolved around giving and receiving (surprise!) and looking at it from both my perspective and the perspective of my loved one who I’m grieving. I’ve been missing George so, SO much lately. I hate that I didn’t get a chance to really, truly, grieve for him and only him before Sara’s health took a downturn. There was already so much anticipatory grief and fear around Sara’s health – my emotions were (and still are) such a mess. So today, I want to write about George.
It’s so easy to think about what I missed out on with George – pretty much everything. It’s hard to give this type of situation a “positive spin”. I didn’t get to see my son take a breath, or hear him cry. However, there are things that I gave George, and there are things I received from him. Thinking about what George received from me, words came together in my head in the form of a letter from him to me:
Hey there, Dad. I know you’re having a tough time right now. So I want you to sit down, and just let me talk to you for a few minutes… humor me here! We got a pretty awful deal – but you should know that despite how things turned out, I still got so much from you and from Mom. First – I got around 123 really awesome days growing inside of you. I’m not quite sure how all of that works, but I know I did a LOT of growing during that time, which wouldn’t have been possible without the energy you gave me. You didn’t end up feeling me move around, but I promise I did a lot of it. I felt you laugh when I head-butted you during one of your ultrasounds. In the end, I had 10 toes and 10 fingers and 2 eyes, and 2 ears, and my bones were forming, and I had a pretty handsome face, if I do say so myself.
I heard you and Mom talk to me a lot – sometimes it was just you, and sometimes it was both of you. You and Mom both put your hands on the outside of my little home quite often. I know I was nice and insulted in there, but I still appreciated the attention.
I know you did your best to help me get to full term – and I’m so sorry I didn’t get a chance to really meet you on the outside – but I know you did everything you could. Even when we knew things weren’t going well, I could feel all the love you and Mom were sending my way. SO MUCH LOVE – I can’t emphasize that enough. My entire existence from beginning to end was bathed in love from you both.
Oh, and my name – You gave me my name. Can’t forget that…It’s a pretty awesome name!
Love,
George Daniel
Oh, George… my heart hurts that he’s not here. He would be about 4 months old right now, if he had been born around his due date. George was so wanted, and so loved, and there’s no good reason why he’s not here with us today.
What did I receive from this tiny little beautiful boy who was a part of our reality for just under 20 weeks? Although I already had an amazing life full of love with Sara, I got to know a different type of love, joy, and wonder from George. Not better, just different. The feelings and love I developed as I talked to the little being growing inside of me were new and amazing – words really do fail me here.
From George, I also now have a hole inside of me – a missing piece of my heart that I’m never going to get back. He took it with him when he died. Although the loss of George causes me pain and tears, I would rather have this pain now than to have never known George at all. I’ve gained from George a new understanding of the relationship between love and pain. I have now personally experienced that the greater the love we open ourselves to, the greater the pain we are risking… Yet, I can’t imagine having not opened myself to that love.
