It’s been awhile since I’ve written. Life has just felt so heavy… between all the virus stuff and business around quarter end at work, I just didn’t have the energy in me to write, even though I do better when I do.
5 months. FIVE months. Actually, 5 months and a week. More precisely, 23 weeks and a day. That’s how long it has been since Sara died. And as I find myself waking up again and again and again in this world that turned upside down, this world without her, I still don’t understand how she could be gone. How is it that Spring has arrived without her? How has the grass turned green in our backyard even though she’s dead? How is it that we are now a quarter of a way through a year that Sara has not and will not see? 2020 was supposed to be a better year, a year in which we would be parents, and she would go into remission, the start of our first new decade together. I have to say that so far, 2020 is pretty disappointing.
This virus situation is no fun… but the thing I hate the most is that I’m supposed to be here isolated with an infant baby and my beautiful wife, but it’s just me. The house it SO quiet. Before, that quiet was interrupted with days at work, or trips out with friends, or visits from friends… but now it’s just me and my quiet house and the constant reminder of what 2020 was supposed to be.
I’m going to be okay – probably better than most, technically. I have a secure job that I can do from home, and I’m keeping in touch with people over text or email or the phone. I’m grateful that I’m financially secure and able to stay connected with friends and family.
That said… I’m really dreading the next month. We’re coming up on the anniversary of when all of this started, the anniversary of when the little world Sara and I had started building together was cracked open. I feel the need to chronicle what happened over that time period, and how things unfolded… so that’s what I’m going to do:
Sara got her first period in about a year in probably late February to early March 2019. The reason she didn’t see a doctor about the missed periods is because she assumed it was a result of the gastric sleeve surgery and resulting rapid weight loss that occurred afterwards. The surgery was March 2018, and she lost almost 100 lbs over the following year.
Once Sara got what she thought was her period, it didn’t stop – she just kept bleeding. Then, she started getting what she thought were menstrual cramps in mid to late March of last year. It wasn’t too bad at first, but when it didn’t go away she made an appointment with her primary care doctor. That appointment was April 10th, 2019. Her PCP referred her to a gynecologist – it took 2 weeks to get in there. In that two week period, her physical symptoms and pain got much, much worse.
I remember that April 20, 2019 was a big fancy fundraising gala that is thrown every year by Out Boulder, an organization volunteered for. Sara was in so much pain, but she was determined to follow through with her volunteer commitment. She got dressed up (and looked beautiful) and worked the gala – that was her last volunteer event. She was exhausted afterward, but was glad that she did it.
Thursday, April 25th 2019 is when Sara had her appointment with a gynecologist – that was the first time cancer was mentioned. The doctor Sara saw told her that she thought that it was cancer – ordered an MRI and scheduled an appointment for Sara to see an oncologist the following week. She was actually on the phone with the oncologist’s office that day, she was so concerned. Even though that was the first time a medical professional said the word, Sara had already said it. She suspected that’s what it was. It was clear from physical symptoms and the severe pain she was in that something was seriously wrong.
The next day, Friday, April 26th is when we got our positive pregnancy test. We’d done an IUI 2 weeks prior, after Sara’s PCP visit, but before things really started getting bad. It was our third IUI, and it turned out to be the one that would stick. I still remember that I didn’t know what to feel when I saw the positive test.
Sara’s MRI was the following day, Saturday April 27th. The following Monday, April 29th, the gynecologist called us and confirmed that Sara had advanced uterine cancer and that we would talk to the oncologist later that week about next steps. We called family and select friends that day to let them know what was going on. Wednesday, May 1st was our first appointment with the oncologist. Friday, May 3rd was supposed to be a pre-operative appointment to get some labwork done prior to a procedure the following week to get her port placed and some biopsies done, but she was in such horrible pain and things had gotten so bad that they ended up admitting her then. She left the hospital about a week later after her first round of chemo.
So many appointments in such a short timespan, finding out we were expecting, having to learn about the world of cancer and chemo… it was all just so much, but we were in it together. I still can’t believe that 6 months and 1 day after her 1st oncology appointment she was gone.
The next month is going to be rough, re-living all of this, having feeling resurface. Being home alone doesn’t make it any easier. This is all just really painful and really hard – but all I can do is just take it a day at a time.