though sometimes it is necessary
from “St. Francis and the Sow” by Galway Kinnell
to reteach a thing its loveliness
The quote above reminds me so much of Sara. She was so, so lovely. She was also always so hard on herself. It was the easiest part of being her husband, reminding her how lovely she was, how beautiful, intelligent, talented she was, how much joy she brought to my life. She was afraid that I would get tired of reassuring her, of telling her these things – but it brought joy to my heart to do so, as I was simply telling her the truth. If only she could have seen herself through my eyes.
She did the same for me – reminding me how hard I worked when I was overcome with self-doubt, appreciating what I did around the house, telling me how handsome she found me…
I miss that, so much. She was my person, and I was hers. I could go to her after a long crappy day and she would say the right things. We were so supportive of each other, finding the right balance between making sure the other felt heard, and doing what we could to support each other’s mutual growth and development. We weren’t perfect, not as individuals and not as a couple, but perfection doesn’t exist and I love how we were together.
Everyone needs people who can remind them of how lovely they are; it’s so easy to forget or to downplay with all the demands placed upon us today. It doesn’t have to be a romantic partner, but I sure got spoiled with Sara, having someone at home who never hesitated to point out my strengths or remind me why she fell in love with me. I know I have support from lots of people – family and friends who I can reach out to if I need… but at the end of the day it’s not the same. Nothing’s the same. Losing Sara put a permanent tilt on the world that is still so disorienting.
I spent last weekend cleaning out our home office, figuring out what to do with everything on Sara’s desk, and re-doing the room so that I could start working full time from home for the next few weeks, due to Covid-19. Part of this involved going through her desktop. Out of everything I went through the thing that squeezed my heart the most was a PowerPoint presentation that Sara made for me one year for Valentine’s day. It was in the format of an educational presentation, titled “Trenton Thompson: Best Husband in the World – a treatise”. At the very end, she linked to the song “I choose you” by Sara Bareillis. It was so cute and silly and wonderful and loving, and perfectly Sara.
Tell the people in your life that you love them, and that you appreciate them. Make sure they know why. Help the people you care about remember why they are lovely. And I hope that you get it back in return, as well.
