About 2 weeks after Sara died, I took my wedding ring off and wore it on a chain with Sara’s engagement necklace and her wedding ring. That turned out to be a bit bulky/awkward, and I also realized that I wasn’t ready to take my ring off. Having no wedding ring in our culture symbolizes that I’m available… but I’m not. Particularly in the immediate aftermath of her death, my day to day life still revolved around Sara. I was dealing with putting her service together, her student loans, her credit cards, our car…. you get the picture. Emotionally, she was (is) still my person, my love, and she is still occupying that spot in my heart. The ring went back on after a week or less of not wearing it. Even though seeing the ring on my finger was a reminder that she was gone, it brought me comfort.
I may no longer be married, but I’m not ready or interested in seeking other companionship. I imagine at some point, I will be ready – but that is most definitely not now. It may take awhile. I know I’m (relatively) young, but my relationship with Sara was everything I’d dreamed of. She was THE ONE. She was my person. So for now, I’m not available.
I’ve been struggling with the question over when to stop wearing my ring. Part of me wants to just keep wearing it, until I do hit a point where I’m ready to signal to society that I’m “available”… but in recent weeks I’ve been finding my ring to be more of a distraction than a comfort. I look down and see the ring and my heart breaks a little every time. I’ve always had a bored/nervous habit of touching and playing with my ring, and in recent weeks, I would find it between my fingers and it would suck me back into a place of sorrow – not exactly great when I’m in a meeting at work, or trying to get stuff done.
I took it off a few days ago, again, and this time it feels different. I think I’m okay not wearing it. The first time it was too much too soon – just adjusting to not having Sara in my day to day life was too much. But now – now my reality is starting to shift such that I’m adjusting to her absence, and I can now deal with making other small changes.
I feel a little guilty, like taking my ring off symbolizes that I’m more okay with her not being here, but I know that’s not the case. Really, I miss Sara just as much (if not more!) now than I did the day after she died. As I continue processing my new widowed status, things like how wearing my wedding ring makes me feel are going to evolve. I need to keep myself open to understanding how my grief and the interaction between my grief and physical things in my world change over time.
I wore my wedding ring for the first two years. I gained weight and it was no longer comfortable, so in year seven I’m ok not wearing it. I still get sad whenever I look at it, but I also feel his love. My husband picked it out for me and he upgraded the diamond twice in the 25 years we were married.
Thank you for sharing this. I remember when I took my ring off with the intent of leaving it off. It felt incredibly heavy in my hand with Marilyn’s ring. It was a brief pain but poignant. I ultimately sold them so the gold could go on and be a joy to another couple. The letting go was the hardest part. I can still feel her hands in mine as we exchanged them. For the longest time, each shared possession that I let go was a farewell.