Sara and I were the type of couple that liked to express our love for each other daily. We had our parting-in-the-morning I love-yous, and our middle-of-the-day text message I-love-yous, and the evening-greeting I-love-yous, and the bedtime I-love-yous, and the random just-because I-love-yous. The thing about our I-love-yous is that we meant each and every one of them. I miss hearing those words from her lips, and I miss being able to express to her my love for her. I miss being able to pick her up random surprises from the store that I know will make her smile. I miss her smile.
It’s been an emotional week. I feel so exhausted. Tomorrow is my first valentine’s day without Sara. I know that valentine’s day is just a silly holiday promoted by flower, candy, jewelry, and greeting card industries… but I still hate that she’s not here for me to surprise with a cute little gift.
Our 1st Valentine’s day together was sad, because my Grandma on my mom’s side passed away that day – that was 2016. However, we’d spent the whole weekend together – I brought her flowers and I know we watched a bit of the show Felicity – knowing us, probably played some board games too. We’d only been together a little less than 4 months at that point. We would get engaged and married before our next valentine’s day!
In 2017, I surprised Sara by acting like I was leaving for work, but coming back home with flowers and a surprise day off work to spend with her. We went to an Ethiopian food dinner that night.
In 2018, I got Sara two cards that had 7″ vinyl 2-song records in them (1 per side) of sappy romantic songs that we liked, and some cute puffy stickers that I thought she might like for her bullet journaling – I can’t remember if we did a special dinner that year or not.
Last year, 2019, I tidied up the house, made a spaghetti dinner, and surprised Sara with some pearl earrings that match her engagement necklace. We were actively trying to conceive at that point – that was the round before we ended up conceiving George, in April 2019.
It’s just not fair that I only got 4 valentine’s days with her. We should’ve had so many more.
I’m also missing my little baby valentine. It’s been 6 months since I delivered George (6 months exactly, this morning). He would’ve been about a month and a half old right now, if he’d arrived on his due date. He should be here, dressed in a silly little baby’s valentine’s day onesie, or little heart socks. I could even imagine him wearing a knitted heart cap that Sara would’ve knitted for him – she was such a talented knitter.
It’s hard to understand how 6 months have passed, how the universe keeps going when my little part of the world came tumbling down. I’m still going – I know my world is still spinning, but it feels incredibly wobbly and most days everything just feels wrong.
This year of firsts without Sara is really going suck. I mean – Sara being gone is always going to be awful, but right now, I still haven’t adjusted to her not being in my life. Each milestone (even ones as silly as valentine’s day) just leave me awash in memories and love and grief.
Such a touching account of your grief and loss. Thank you for sharing your words. This is my second Valentine’s Day without my love.