This is really hard, being here without you. Getting through life without you – grieving our son without you, and trying to figure out what comes next, without you.
Sometimes I need to just imagine you here with me, imagine you loving me through this. If you were here, loving me through this, you would rub that spot on my forehead, between my eyebrows and then across my brow. I can’t remember when we discovered how wonderful that felt, but when things were stressful, we would try to rub the tension out of each other’s brows. If you were loving me through this, you would insist on spooning with me – we like to switch, sometimes I am the big spoon, but sometimes you are. Few things feel more right than our bodies close together.
If you were here loving me through this, you would send me lots of pictures of our boys every day – Ember the cat and Elvis and Shifu the dogs. Although they can drive us a bit nuts at times, they’re so cute and we love them so much.
If you were loving me through this, you would remind me to be gentle with myself, that it’s okay to be sad, and that I need to “feel all my feelings”. You would hold me while I cried.
Your love is so strong and clear and warm. If you were here, loving me through this, you would cook me a delicious home-made meal and serve it so proudly. You cooked so well and it was one way you like to share your love with me.
You would love me through this by telling me I am your strong, handsome husband who can get through anything. That this is hard, but that I can do this. You would remind me to talk to our friends and family. In a crisis you were always so good – so together. Afterwards you would fall apart and need my love, but in the middle – you were my rock. If you were here loving me through this, you would be my rock.
You may truly be here with me still, loving me through this. I do hope you are. I still feel your love. I wish YOU were here – I hate that you’re not. But I still feel you in our home and in our friends and in our world that we shared. I will try to keep my heart open to your love, wherever it may be coming from.
Note: this was written based on a writing prompt provided to me through a paid course I am taking. I am not including the prompt, because the daily prompts are a critical component of that course.