I hear and read things about healing from loss a lot these days.
At first, just the thought of “healing” my broken heart made me angry.
How would I ever heal? This wasn’t something that could be fixed – Sara is gone. George is gone. Why should I heal? I didn’t WANT to feel okay or to get better or to move on or whatever other terms people use for getting to “normal” life again after loss. How COULD life ever be normal again? Did I want it to be? If so, what did that mean about who I was?
Life’s still not normal. I’m still wounded. But I’m starting to talk to myself a little differently. Healing from loss, finding life after loss, finding “normal” life again, maybe even being “okay” some days – it doesn’t mean that my grief or my pain will be gone. It doesn’t mean that I love the people I lost any less. I think that my body’s defenses will eventually kick in (if not already in process), start clotting to stop the active bleeding. Scar tissue will form. My wounds will still be evident, but the edges will no longer be raw. Scar tissue around the edges will protect me and provide evidence of how I’ve survived this turn of events.
Generally, scars are a good thing – they mean that we got through something, we survived. Occasionally the scars can cause problems, irritation, reduce mobility or function. I’m hoping that the work I am doing to give my grief an outlet, to be open about my losses – that it will give me the best chance of coming out of this as a functioning person whose scars are badges of my survival and my love and my loss that do not negatively impact my future.
I don’t know why I’m still here and they are not. As much as I grieve Sara and George, I do want to keep living. I KNOW that I have things to do here. I don’t have any illusions of grand purpose, but I think most of the best things about life are just people doing the best they can, living with love as their foundation – whether that means changing the world in huge ways or simply creating connections and contributing to the lives of those closest them.
I just want to keep loving, and being loved. This is big-picture love through honest connections and vulnerability with other people, not hollywood-valentine’s day type of of love. It’s going to look different than I planned, without Sara and George, and I have to figure out how to love without being scared of more loss, but that’s what I want to focus on in my life.
Note: this was written based on a writing prompt provided to me through a paid course I am taking. I am not including the prompt, because the daily prompts are a critical component of that course.