2019 Sucked: My Thoughts on Loss, Grief, and Life After
This post originally started as a post just about George, and then it morphed. Now it’s about my grief for both Sara and George, how they’re very different types of grief. I’ve just been really heavy with grief lately –… Read moreA directionless post
So many people have told me that I’m doing so well. But that makes me uncomfortable and feels wrong. I’m not well. I’m not okay. I still cry every day. Yes, I’m functioning – I have to. I have no… Read moreChoosing Love
This morning I slept in a bit, my arm around one of the dogs,wrapped up in the warm comforter.When I did wake, I took a nice warm shower andput on the 90s-style velvety knit sweater – I bought it last… Read moreA should-be perfect weekend morning
Wrapped up in grief like a blanket in the dark,life right now feels so wrong.But even in the dark we can find strength. I’m not here to share platitudes about a greater purposeor predestination or God’s will – I know… Read moreOf Grief and Liquefied Caterpillars
I made the mistake of listening to our wedding song tonight, the song that Sara walked down the aisle to (the hallway – we got married in our home). Ed Sheeran’s Thinking Out Loud. The first few notes hit, and… Read moreThinking Out Loud
Weekends have been getting harder. Yesterday was the 15th Saturday since Sara died…15 weeks, 15 weekends. She and I were never particularly ambitious with our weekends – we watched tv, played games, snuggled, read, sometimes went out to eat, took… Read more15 weekends
I had a good morning today – I woke up and decided to go to a nearby diner for breakfast. A shiny, beautiful, silver boxcar diner with memorabilia, furniture, and dishes that create a fun little bubble of space that… Read moreDiners and Haircuts
Sara and I were the type of couple that liked to express our love for each other daily. We had our parting-in-the-morning I love-yous, and our middle-of-the-day text message I-love-yous, and the evening-greeting I-love-yous, and the bedtime I-love-yous, and the… Read more1st Valentine’s Day without my Valentines
I am learning
when a heart cracks wide open
beating and pumping
exposed to air
it resets sensitivities
rewires connections
I’m lying in our bed, on my side of the bed. I just changed the sheets – I miss being able to make my usual remark to you about how lovely fresh sheets are. Ember sits above my head on… Read moreBedtime Grief
Today was an important day. 2:50pm I got to the doctor’s office. I sat in the waiting room, wearing my earthy mala beads around my wrist. The bright red beads you strung were in my hands. My fingers spoke to… Read moreRed Mala Beads
To myself – my past self, my present self, and my future self: Try to remember to see yourself the way that Sara did, through her beautiful, goofy, love-filled gaze.To her, you were perfect; it always made you uncomfortable when… Read morePrompt 30: Self Blessing
Sometimes after I finish writing a blog post, I sit back and feel pleased with myself. Pleased about how I was able to express myself in words, paint a picture for whomever might be reading it. While I don’t believe… Read morePrompt 29: The Reason we are here
Today has been a rough day, for no good reason other than the fact that I miss you terribly. Three whole months have passed since your death, and I feel like it is just now sinking in that I will… Read morePrompt 28: The shape of you
Text version, to go with image above – cut out words arranged on a dark brown & shimmery light brown mosaic tile background. I’m so angry that Sara and George were taken from me. I don’t understand it. I don’t… Read morePrompt 26: Words Revisited
I hear and read things about healing from loss a lot these days. At first, just the thought of “healing” my broken heart made me angry. How would I ever heal? This wasn’t something that could be fixed – Sara… Read morePrompt 25: Don’t Think, Just Write
Grief comes in waves. I’m 3 months out – tomorrow, actually, is the 3 month anniversary of Sara’s death. I’m 5 1/2 months out from George’s death. At first, after loss, the waves were high and strong and frequent. I… Read morePrompt 24: Centered Moments
This is really hard, being here without you. Getting through life without you – grieving our son without you, and trying to figure out what comes next, without you. Sometimes I need to just imagine you here with me, imagine… Read morePrompt 23: How you would love me