The 13th prompt revolves around placing ourselves in a fairy tale – asking who we are in the tale, how people see us, what gifts we bring. I have to admit that I felt immediate revulsion at the prompt. Fairy tales (in modern US culture) are stories that generally try to teach people (children) life lessons through an easy-to-digest story that may involve some frightening themes but that typically have some sort of happy ending, or at the very least an ending full of hope.
Right now my life is not easy to digest. Nor will I ever have that classic, storybook ending. While I know that in all likelihood with continued time and healing and work to live with and transform my grief, I will experience true happiness again… nothing will ever take away or change the fact that I am the sole survivor of a horrible, awful year that killed my wife and son and ripped the future we’d planned away from us. Even if I find soul-satisfying happiness in the future, there will always be a part of me colored by this loss – there will always be a part of me that knows wherever I’m at in life, it’s not THE happy ending that it was supposed to be.
I hope to find a delicate balance eventually, where I can be happy for myself and for the future good things that will hopefully come my way while still having room to cradle and recognize and grieve what I’ve lost.
If some people who have experienced loss find comfort in relating to the wise fairy-tale characters who have experienced tragedy or wield awareness/experience/comfort with the realities of life and death – good for them, but that’s not where I am right now in my grief. Maybe it’s too fresh, or I’m just not in the right space, but I don’t want to think about being a messenger of destiny for people to learn from or that character who forces people to grow by making them uncomfortable. If I do any of those things, I swear it’s unintentional. I’m just trying to make it through each day and am still learning how to live in a world where my soulmate and child aren’t here to navigate life with.
Note: this was written based on a writing prompt provided to me through a paid course I am taking. I am not including the prompt, because the daily prompts are a critical component of that course.